you, my everything
by pipecleanerFlowers
Summary: Maybe it's that Kaito doesn't care (that he stopped caring long ago, that he doesn't particularly remember the last time he really cared) enough to protest when he finds himself once again pushed up against the wall after a couple shots and a line about "getting away from those dorks." University AU.
1. hanging on

Maybe it's that Kaito doesn't care (that he stopped caring long ago, that he doesn't particularly remember the last time he really cared) enough to protest when he finds himself once again pushed up against the wall after a couple shots and a line about "getting away from those dorks" (or something along those lines). Kaito just needed a hand to pull him away and he was happy to be gone, away from the laughter that didn't echo through his chest and the smiles that never reached his own lips.

Vector kisses him and he remembers the first time, all teeth and clumsy and rough. He thinks about how unromantic this is, but neither of them have been known to hold themselves to high expectations or romantic ideals.

He tries to remember why he always lets this happen. He figures it's because he's used to being used.

Vector's tongue is running along his teeth now and Kaito moans into him, forgetting about the hand that's pressing his wrist against the brick wall and the rain that's started to fall. It's not pouring, but he can feel it, a chill starting through his bones as a draft passes through the alley that makes him shiver. Vector pulls him closer, fingers gripping in behind his shoulder blades as he begins sucking on Kaito's neck.

-:~:-

Kaito wakes up the next day and his head pounds. His alarm clock blares at him and he knows his temperature isn't up, but he picks up the thermometer from his bedside table and takes it anyway just in case it's high enough to justify staying in bed.

He stares at how normal it is. He stays in bed, crashing back down into the pillow, and stares at the blank ceiling for a moment before rolling over. The walls can't judge him.

Someone knocks at his apartment door at noon, waking Kaito up again and rattling his headache. He wishes the walls weren't paper-thin, but alas that was the downfall of off-campus student housing. It takes a moment for him to gather himself up enough to throw the warm cocoon of a blanket he's wrapped himself tightly within onto the floor, but he does it with only some regret because when he answers the door, it's Vector. He's got bento boxes and he's grinning in that creepy idiotic way of his. He barges in.

"Didn't see you in astronomy today," he says.

Kaito's brow furrows in confusion. "You take astronomy?"

Vector laughs and shrugs as he puts the boxes on the tiny coffee table.. "Mizael takes it and I crash the lecture sometimes," he explains shortly before snapping a pair of chopsticks and holding them out to Kaito.

Kaito takes them if only because he is kind of hungry. He hasn't eaten for… he looks at the clock that flashes 12:06PM at him in bright red LED and remembers his terrible excuse for a lunch at around eleven the morning prior.

Vector takes a seat on the couch and breaks his own chopsticks before digging into his lunch. Kaito stands idly by for a moment before joining him.

"So did you skip?"

Kaito figures it doesn't hurt to tell someone like Vector that he, in fact, did skip, since Vector is that frustrating student who skips most of the lectures and still gets 90s somehow.

"Yeah, I was feeling sick."

Vector shrugs. "You definitely look it."

Kaito looks down at his bento box and frowns. "Fuck if I care."

Vector grins again. "You're right, I'd still fuck you." He grabs the remote from behind Kaito, leaning in close and licking his lips before whispering, "Right now, on the couch." His hand cups Kaito's face. An involuntary shudder climbs up Kaito's spine and he dimly notes that this is the first time he hasn't just automatically given into whatever the redhead has planned.

Instead, Kaito bites out an uncomfortable, "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Hmm…" Vector shrugs and removes himself from the vicinity of Kaito's face, picking up his chopsticks again. "Maybe after we replenish some energy, hmm?" And with that said, he promptly switches the TV on, lazily flicking through channels as they eat, and eventually settles upon some B-movie that Kaito barely pays any attention to. He's too busy listening to Vector's voice, his commentary and laughter secondary to the way they sound. So normal, deep, and… not happy, never happy, but a lot better than Kaito's.

"How are you not fucked up?"

Vector laughs, seeming to be amused, and looks at Kaito with a raised eyebrow. "Who told you I wasn't?" He caresses Kaito's face with his cupped palm. "So, want to break in this couch?"

"It's old."

"Have you ever fucked on it?"

Kaito considers this, but he knows the answer is no. He says so.

Vector smirks. "Alright then, we're breaking it in."

As Vector straddles him, fingers sliding into his hair and hot breath blowing on his lips, Kaito wonders if Vector's girlfriend knows about him.

-:~:-

Kaito's still numb when Droite calls him days later, a worried tone drifting from the receiver. Kaito listens diligently to her and answers all of her questions in monotone. He only perks up when she mentions how Haruto's been doing.

"_Your brother's fine, and he's doing really well in school. I'll send you a scan of his report card tonight. The teachers all love him. Gauche went to the parent/teacher interview on behalf of me because I got called in to work and you know how your father is with his research. He's apparently on the verge of a breakthrough so he didn't want to leave the lab, but Haruto didn't mind._" Droite pauses for a moment and he can hear her sigh. "_But Kaito, how are you really?_"

His brow furrows because she always asks it, hopefully, as if the answer has changed since the last time. "I'm fine."

"_Fine is vague. You said you've been taking your meds, are they working?_"

Kaito's hesitant to answer that one because no, they're not, and the side-effects are shitty. "As good as the doctor said they'd be."

"_Should I book you another appointment?_" Droite asks, and he knows that she's seen right through him. "_I can come up to Heartland U on Friday and bring you home for the weekend. We can get you checked out again._"

Kaito vaguely thinks about whether he'll be missed this weekend. Not really... He could sacrifice something like that. "Sounds good. I'm done classes at three thirty on Friday."

"_I'll be there at five._"

"See you then."

"_Take care, Kaito._"

-:~:-

Kaito skips class on Friday, not feeling up to the trek to the bus stop and the bus ride and the lecture and then the bus home. It's too much effort for only an hour of class and involves looking a bit more socially acceptable than he is. And maybe a shower. So fuck that.

He drags himself out from under his covers after checking his alarm clock that's shouting at him that it's nearly one in the afternoon. He's got four hours until Droite arrives. His suitcase is already packed, so he debates on whether to double-check it (not that there's anything he really needs other than some clothes enough for the weekend).

He hears a knock at the door before he can make his mind up and groans and rolls off of his bed when another knock sounds. It's a little more impatient the second time around. He opens the door, his other hand shoving hair out of his face, and sees Vector standing there.

"What the hell are you here for?"

"You're leaving for the weekend and didn't bother to tell me?"

"What does it matter to you?" Kaito doesn't remember telling anyone about his plans. Not because he was trying to hide the trip back to the cottage, but he just never really brought it up. It had been unnecessary, and he'd been home for the majority of the week anyway.

Vector shoves past him into the apartment, shoulders clashing. Kaito feels the dull ache even moments later when Vector has already seated himself down on the couch. He's glaring at him from under a furrowed brow that makes Kaito feel small even though he's the one standing.

"It fucking matters, Kaito."

"Thanks, I gathered as much," Kaito responds, rolling his eyes and closing the front door before joining Vector on the couch, leaving only inches between them. "Did you have anything else to say before I have to leave?"

"How long?"

"Till Monday. I'll be back in time for classes."

"What's so important back there that you have to go?"

Kaito pauses, fighting the urge to snap out "my sanity" because Vector doesn't know about Haruto or Droite or Gauche. He doesn't know about his medicine. He doesn't know about his life outside of this apartment and the bar they always go to with everyone on Sunday of all nights. He doesn't know anything.

"What is over there that needs to be visited?" Vector grinds out impatiently. Kaito wants to say so many things; his brother, his doctor, his peace, and his quiet. His old friends.

"Some function Yuma invited me to," Kaito says, but he knows it was the wrong thing to say when Vector's scowl deepens.

"Yuma, huh?" he says, without a hint of the forced kindness that it usually has when Yuma is involved.

"Yeah." Kaito's voice comes out quieter, much quieter, and he stares at the hands in his lap. "Nothing special."

-:~:-

Vector doesn't leave the apartment, choosing to hang around and watch Kaito cook something for himself for the first time in days. The time for breakfast had long since passed, but Kaito still had enough eggs and milk left to make a sorry excuse for an omelette.

He can feel Vector's fingers skimming his sides, his breath at the nape of his neck, as Kaito slides a slice of bread into the toaster.

"Not making another one for me?"

Kaito shakes his head. "Do my groceries and then maybe I'll have enough for two."

Vector laughs and shrugs. "Maybe I will. It seems like I buy most of your food anyway."

He eats in silence, sitting between Vector's legs on the couch because all Vector wants to do is touch him everywhere he can. He feels like he's being clung to, like he's needed and completely necessary. Like he has some sort of twisted purpose.

When Kaito's done, Vector snatches the plate away from him and sets it down on the coffee table before he can get up. "Do your dishes later," Vector says, tracing patterns on his shoulders. "I want you to stay here with me a bit longer." There's a lilt to his voice that screams seduction and Kaito immediately knows what's coming next, but he obliges wordlessly and let's himself be shifted on his lap to face the redhead.

"Kiss me." It's almost a question, but Kaito knows it's not. Not really.

He closes his eyes right before their lips touch, in time to watch amusement flicker in Vector's eyes that he has no time to contemplate over. Vector's hands are tangled in his hair and roaming the skin beneath his shirt only seconds later and it isn't too long before Kaito feels Vector's tongue swipe across the slit of his lips too. As always, he obliges.

Soon the kisses spread to his neck, to the insides of his elbows, and his hips, and the insides of his thighs as his pajamas are slowly pulled off one by one and thrown to the floor, leaving Kaito mostly bared. The only thing Vector's taken off is his jacket.

Vector's fingers dig into the hem of Kaito's sweatpants and he begins palming him. Kaito groans, wondering if this routine will ever stop, if he'll ever say no, if Vector would ever get bored. The unanswered questions dissipate as his pants slide further down from around his knees to around his ankles and Vector's lips wrap around him.

Kaito wonders if he treats his girlfriend with the same reverence before allowing himself to forget about the rest of the world for a little while.

-:~:-

Droite picks him up at five. Vector leaves his apartment when Droite comes in, leaving Kaito with his self-appointed guardian of sorts to most likely ask a billion questions about why he looks so dishevelled while cleaning his kitchen for him.

"Who's he?" she asks when he shuts the door.

"Vector, a friend."

"Sure he's just a friend?" Droite asks him skeptically, gesturing to his neck.

"Yeah," he says quietly, reflexively going to touch the mark. "I'm sure."

Droite gives him a look that he doesn't want to see (but he needs to and he does all he can to ignore it). "Okay, whatever you say. All packed?"

"It's in my room," he says, turning to go and get it. "I'll be back in a sec."

She follows him anyway and he regrets not having cleaned his room.

"Haruto's gonna be asking about your exciting university life."

Kaito grunts.

"That's what he calls it," Droite says, half-smiling. "I haven't told him too much about you."

"The less he knows, the better," Kaito says, and Droite pins him with a pitying look that he doesn't want or need.

"You'll have to tell him at some point."

"Doesn't matter."

Her brow furrows at him as he heaves his suitcase out of the closet. It's been packed for days. "It does. He should find out from you before he finds out from some slip of the tongue elsewhere."

"No one knows."

"Vector sure acted like he did."

"He just thinks I'm boring, he doesn't know anything." He drags the wheeled suitcase out of his room and back into the living room. "Why do I need to prove anything to you anyway? It's not like you're even here."

Droite follows him out and watches as he ties up his Converse. "I try to be."

Kaito debates apologizing. He decides against it.

"Let's just go."


	2. like a flash before our eyes

The car ride is quiet except for the CD that repeats itself a total of six times and sounds like something of Gauche's that Droite hasn't bothered to switch out. It's got drums and guitars enough for Kaito to drown out his thoughts and riffs that stick in his head and push his worries away, so he doesn't complain. Droite doesn't talk much, and he's relieved because he thought he might get a lecture. Only when they're on their way down the ramp from the highway into country roads does she finally speak up.

"What are you going to do about Haruto?"

Kaito shrugs, leaning his head against the flat of his seatbelt and watching as her hands turn the steering wheel left and then right. He can see her lips, set in a tight line, from the corner of his eye.

"What do you think I should do?" he asks.

She sighs. The song changes. Kaito loses himself in another beat.

It isn't long until his old cottage is in view and he grimaces at the sight of it, happy to be back home, but annoyed at what he'll have to deal with once he steps inside. He tells himself it's only one weekend, one break from the smog of the city and Vector's stupid games.

"He's not home yet?" Kaito asks.

"No, he won't be home for another couple hours. Gauche took him out." Droite parks the car and passes him her phone to show him recent texts from Gauche and he nods.

"Good," he says, almost too quietly.

"You can go and unpack. I'll be in the living room if you need me." She hands him the car-keys and pops the trunk open, leaving him to it as she gets out of the car and walks up the steps.

Kaito sits there for a while longer, watching Droite as she unlocks the door and lets herself in. He stares at the cottage, so familiar to him and yet a distant memory. Everything looks exactly the same as it had when he'd first moved out, to Heartland City, to university. Except the flowers. Droite always plants different perennials each year. Something about butterflies…

The seatbelt is beginning to dig into his neck, so he unbuckles himself and slowly gets out of the car. His joints ache and everything hurts and he blames the world as he walks around the back and heaves his suitcase out.

The countryside is duller than he remembers from his last visit, which had been duller than the visit before. Maybe it's the lack of neon lights that he's used to. Maybe it's just the overcast weather. He forces his shoulders back, inhales, and exhales. At least the air was the same, fresh and clearing. He drags the suitcase inside and ignores the smiling pictures on the walls up the staircase.

-:~:-

The barreling hug that Kaito's wrapped in by an excited Haruto brings a smile to his face. He ruffles his brother's hair and lets himself be pulled into the living room. Gauche's laughter trails after them and Kaito thinks for a moment that he can do this. He and Haruto end up sitting on the floor around the coffee table where he finds stacks of his old Duel Monsters cards scattered around.

"You still have these?" Kaito asks. Droite glances up from her book and he ignores the pointed look she gives him. "It's been… years."

Haruto just grins at him, so different from the ones that he gets from Vector. It lights up his eyes. "Yeah! I figured one day you'd want to play again?"

"No, I'm good," Kaito says, but when the light fades he corrects himself: "Well, I dunno." He notices a smaller pile near where Haruto has sat down and picks it up, shuffling through the cards. "Is this a deck you're building?"

Haruto nods enthusiastically. "Yeah! It's a Photon deck, like yours."

Kaito sits down on the carpet beside him. "Well, you've got a good start, but you're focusing too much on defense when Photons are built for controlling the field. You won't need to worry too much about defense unless you're worried about losing your tougher monsters since you're pretty much game master."

They end up spending most of the afternoon deck-building and strategizing. Kaito thinks it's a good exercise in distraction and ends up remembering some of his old strategies that he incorporates into Haruto's deck and explains with passion he thought he'd lost when Haruto finally says, "Oh by the way, Yuma and Shark are coming over soon!"

Kaito turns to look at his brother and blinks. Twice. "What?"

"Yeah! I told them you were coming over for the weekend and so Yuma said they're coming over today to see you!"

Kaito forgets to breathe for a fraction of a second. "Okay. What time?"

"Soon!"

Well, that is highly specific and gives him anywhere between a couple seconds to a couple hours in which to brace himself. Kaito vaguely hears Droite telling Haruto that he's got piano lessons soon so he should get ready for them and Kaito realizes with a shred of dread that he's going to be alone with Yuma and Ryoga for potentially an entire afternoon.

-:~:-

Yuma barges into the cottage, a grumpy Ryoga in tow, and Kaito is honestly surprised that he ever expected them to come through the front door any differently. Yuma waves enthusiastically at him even though he's only steps away and wraps him in a hug that rivals Haruto's. Ryoga stands back and raises his hand in acknowledgement. They're the same boys he left two years ago.

"So, I heard you were deck-building with Haruto," Yuma says when Kaito's pouring them all glasses of water. Apparently the walk (run, according to a winded Ryoga) parched their throats.

Kaito knows where the question is headed. "Yeah, I was. Didn't do much other than help him with his."

"But you were deck-building, Kaito!" Yuma repeats, waggling his eyebrows as he leans over the island. "Deck. Building."

Kaito rolls his eyes. Ryoga shoves Yuma and he almost face-plants into the counter.

"I helped him build his deck, and he gave me the box I keep my old deck in."

Yuma's eyes light up. "Then you have a deck!"

"He's always had a deck, loser," Ryoga states. "He just refuses to use it even after he spent a solid twenty on his ace card."

"That's because I knew you guys would lose, so there wasn't any point in playing," Kaito says before he slides their glasses over the counter. Yuma immediately downs half. Ryoga follows suit only after rolling his eyes.

Yuma's wiping his mouth with the back of his hand when he speaks up again. "We brought our decks!" he proclaims with a grin. "Wanna duel?"

Kaito wants to say no because he hasn't played in years and his duel probably sucks and Yuma's gotten better since he was a seventh grader with scraped-up knees and a penchant for losing, especially if the death of Ryoga's colossal win streak says anything about it.

"I don't have a duel disk."

"We'll play tabletop, asshole. Just agree, you know you'll never get out of this," Ryoga says before sipping daintily at his glass of water like he hadn't been dying of thirst only a moment ago.

Loser.

"Okay, you win," Kaito resigns. "I'll dig out my old deck."

They're at the dinner table and Yuma's declared an all-out three-way battle royale to which Ryoga has no qualms about. Kaito's shuffling his deck and he curses his card covers because they make it ridiculously hard to shuffle without cards falling everywhere and he drops half his deck twice to the obnoxious laughter of both Yuma and Ryoga (but their cards are all frayed at the edges so jokes on them for not using card covers, assholes).

It's like they're back in their high school cafeteria, with Kotori cheering Yuma on and the rest of the Numbers Club watching. Kaito still hadn't figured out why they had called it that of all things when it was obviously a duelling club, but he had always figured that it was because they pitched it to Professor Ukyo as a club that focused on maths exercises in fun ways.

They keep trading blows until Kaito's at 400 life-points and Ryoga's out for the count because Yuma's got some spell cards that totally trolled their game. Yuma's at a round 1000.

"You better turn the tides on this or I don't think I'll be able to forgive you," Ryoga mutters darkly, but Kaito knows he's joking and smirks.

"I'll try, but no promises."

He's completely forgotten how to use his deck, if he's being honest. He didn't think he would, but it's been long enough that he has. But he's doing pretty well considering he's got his prized Galaxy-Eyes on the field.

The duel ends with Yuma winning at 300 life-points and Ryoga slaps Kaito on the arm. "Pretty good for a guy who hasn't played in what… two years?"

"Three."

"Oooh, he got you beat good, Shark!" Yuma laughs and Kaito can see Ryoga fighting back the urge to wrestle the kid to the ground.

"Whatever, you still suck at basic human skills like cooking."

"That was one time, Shark!"

"You ruined a perfectly good rice cooker!"

"Well it was old and about to die anyway!"

"It cost me a lot to replace it and Rio was not happy."

"I apologized!"

Kaito blinks at the exchange because it's just so ridiculous and finds himself trying to stifle a smile for the first time in ages. Same old Yuma.

"How the hell did you ruin a rice cooker, Yuma?" he asks, lips cracking upwards..

"Oh my god, see? Even he doesn't know how you could possibly achieve that kind of level of stupidity!" Ryoga says, waving his hand in Kaito's direction.

"Well you still suck at duelling, so face it like a real loser, Shark!"

-:~:-

It's when they're about to leave and Ryoga's gone outside to meet up with Rio (who saw right through Yuma's plan of hopefully staying over for the night because they had no way back home in the snow, but they're adults now and she has a car and a license) that Yuma grabs ahold of Kaito's wrist and stares into his eyes, a seriousness within them that Kaito's only witnessed once before.

"Kaito, I-"

"Yuma, we're over."

Yuma blinks and Kaito can see the start of tears building up and immediately feels his stomach sink. "But Kaito, this isn't about that. Well, maybe a little, but I just wanted to ask... are you okay?"

Kaito should've expected it, but he hadn't. It was the question of the weekend. Droite, Gauche, Haruto, tomorrow the doctor would too… and right now, Yuma. "I'm f-"

"And don't lie, I know when you're lying."

Kaito's brow furrows. "Yuma, you need to stop caring about me when you have Ryoga now."

"No." His voice is resolute and Kaito knows that he won't be able to change anything. "I still love you." The words feel like ice though Yuma's voice is cracking and sincere (is he ever not?) and he's everything Kaito doesn't want to want so badly anymore, especially not from him. "And I'll always be here for you, and I want you to call me when you get back to the city."

"Why should I?"

"Because Ryoga's waiting for me and, knowing you, I won't see you again until the summer. So… call me. When you get back to the city."

"Yuma-"

"Please?"

Kaito finally concedes with a short nod and the next thing he knows, Yuma's lips are on his and he's kissing back with the kind of vigour he thought he'd lost for him along with everything else. When they part, Kaito frowns.

"I'm sorry. I know. But I just..."

"It's okay. Ryoga's waiting for you."

"Yeah..."

"Bye Yuma."

"I love you, Kaito."

"You shouldn't," Kaito says as the door shuts and he's left alone, hands shaking and feet not wanting to move.

-:~:-

The doctor's appointment is on Sunday afternoon and Kaito finds himself in the car with Gauche this time. He's replaced the CD with something a little more hardcore and the drums are giving Kaito a headache (but maybe that's because the countryside is nothing but quiet and he's already accustomed to the lack of trains and sirens and noise). Gauche talks loudly over the music, grinning because he's talking about the students he teaches at the local school. Kaito barely pays attention to the stories, ranging from the ones about finger-painting catastrophes and the ones about toppling wooden building blocks. They get to the doctor's office in no time and Gauche leads the way inside.

"So, how are they working?" Gauche asks when the door shuts behind them. Kaito ignores him in favour going to the front desk.

They sit down after a series of questions, Kaito picking out a pair of seats in the corner of the waiting room away from the lady with the sneezing child and the old man who wheezes every breath.

"I'm going to take that as a no."

"Do whatever you want."

The wait is long and boring and Kaito doesn't have his headphones to tune out Gauche's now-quiet chatter and the painful wheezing from across the room. He takes to staring out of the window, away from everyone else.

"So, how're classes going?"

Kaito fights the urge to roll his eyes and loses.

"You're back to skipping." It's a statement more than a question and Kaito can feel waves of judgement in his direction.

"So?"

"We're paying money for that shit, Kaito."

"Then tell me to drop out."

"Fuck no!"

The lady glares at him, gesturing toward her sneezing kid. Kaito smirks. Gauche coughs into his fist, embarrassed.

"How do you not do that in front of your students?"

"Shut up…"

The appointment flies by and Kaito's out with three minutes of his allowed time to spare with a new prescription. Gauche drives him back home, but not without a stop to the pharmacy first.

-:~:-

Monday has Droite driving him back to Heartland City. She hums along to the radio this time, and Kaito dozes off for the most part, eyes blinking open when they reach the borders of the Heartland U campus. She drops him off just outside the main tower.

"I'll see you during the winter holidays?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

Neither are that good at saying goodbye, so they don't bother. Her car merges back into traffic and he stands there with his suitcase, thinking about the astronomy lecture and how Vector would be there. Huh.

He rolls his suitcase down the hallways and stops in front of the door to his lecture. He's three minutes early according to his phone. All the seats near the back are probably taken. He opens the door and his suitcase knocks itself down the stairs of the hall as he finds a seat close enough to the edge of the row to not be a total pain in the ass with his suitcase in tow.

The lecture is boring and the professor repeats word for word what's on the slides. Kaito could've stayed home. He could've skipped. The professor always posts the slides online anyway. Kaito glances at his phone that's telling him there's twenty minutes left and wonders if he could just slip out - no, his suitcase was too heavy for him to carry it up the stairs (Haruto had stuffed it full with Duel Monsters tins and pocky) without ending up knocking it around again.

The professor finally lets the class go and Kaito stands up and escapes the hall as hastily as he can with a suitcase in tow. He hopes to avoid everyone and just catch the bus home, but there's a hand on his shoulder and he finds himself stilling at the familiar touch.

"Hey Kaito."

"Vector." Kaito watches him slide over so that he's facing him full-on and his brow furrows. "Did you need anything?"

"Got any souvenirs for me in there?" Vector asks with a smirk.

"Fuck off."

"Can I come over?"

"Do whatever you want."


	3. I'll love you (another time)

Kaito finds himself being pushed onto the couch right before Vector's lips are crushing onto his. No alcohol or sleepiness this time, just raw sobriety that has Kaito feeling every touch without the hazy sensation to buffer any of it. Kaito finds himself closing his eyes. He can feel where Vector's knees are planted on either side of his hips, his hands in his hair and slipping under his t-shirt. It's hot, but Vector's fingers are cool against him. He thinks about his homework, his late assignments, his library fees, but all of his distractions disappear as quickly as he tries to latch onto them because without the hazy fog that lets him forget about what he's doing, he's drawn into Vector.

He's sucking on his neck now and Kaito moans at the pressure and the way Vector's teeth skim his skin and the way his hand is caressing his face as if he matters maybe just a tiny bit. Within seconds he's falling for the illusion again.

"I missed you," Vector murmurs against his skin. "I missed you so much."

Kaito knows it's a lie.

When it's all over and he's laying on the couch, a pillow beneath his head and a blanket over his violated body, Vector whispers to him. Arms lay over him, bands of warmth that curve over his sides and into his torso. Vector tells him he loves him over and over and over again and each one drives a spike into Kaito's heart.

It feels like forever before Vector lets him go, climbing off of Kaito and taking the simulated warmth away with him. He smirks and licks his lips and they're both still fully clothed, but Kaito's got more marks to replace the faded ones.

"I'll see you later," Vector murmurs against his neck before leaving the apartment.

Kaito stays lying down and heaving on the couch, unwilling to move.

-:~:-

His cell phone rings, waking him to a dark apartment. It's late enough for the orange glow of the streetlights to come filtering in through the frosted windows. He wonders what time it is. He wonders who's calling. He doesn't move.

-:~:-

There's a knock on the door in the morning, though after Kaito forces himself off of the couch enough to check the clock on the stove, he finds that it's actually two in the afternoon. He hears his stomach growl and there's another round of knocking. He hopes that the person on the other side comes bearing food.

It's Vector.

"Hey babe." He's holding up some takeout from the Chinese place down the street, complete with the bright lime green containers that blind him. Guess he's in luck.

"Vector," Kaito acknowledges, stepping aside to let him in on the pure virtue that he carries something he can eat.

Vector places the takeout containers on the kitchen counter and Kaito follows his lead, sitting down on one of the stools at the island. They eat silently and Kaito revels in the fact that Vector remembered what he ordered last time. They don't talk.

The empty boxes are by the sink and the two boys are on the couch. Vector turns on the TV and pulls Kaito into him. Kaito takes this as his cue to lay against him. It feels unnatural. It's warm, it's familiar. It's wrong, but he doesn't care because Vector's broken the silence with whispered murmurs and it's strangely comforting. He hates himself for it. He vaguely remembers the bottle in the cupboard, the medicine he hasn't taken yet.

"Something wrong?" Vector asks, and Kaito doesn't want to say anything or move anywhere, but Vector nudges him and he sighs.

"I just… forgot to do something this morning."

"Need a ride somewhere?"

"No."

Kaito rolls off of him and onto his feet and stands on wavering legs that still don't want to move, but he's gotten this far so he takes the steps necessary to reach the kitchen, one foot after the other, and opens up the medicine cabinet, filled with painkillers and cough syrup and…

"What're those for?" Vector asks, and Kaito shudders.

"Nothing."

He downs it quickly, no water because he doesn't need it anymore, and returns to his place against Vector after replacing the bottle in the cupboard. He hopes Vector didn't see the label. Kaito feels Vector's arms wrap around his shoulders again and he leans into the warmth. Lips brush his temples.

"How was your weekend?" Vector asks with a sort of measured kindness.

"Good, I guess."

"How was Yuma?"

"As ridiculously hyper as ever."

"And what did you guys get up to?"

Kaito hesitates. "He brought Ryoga over and they forced me to play Duel Monsters with them," he says. "He and Ryoga are dating now," he adds.

Vector relaxes, though Kaito hadn't noticed his tenseness until he did. "Good, because you're taken."

Soon he leaves and Kaito realizes that it had been their first encounter without so much as a kiss.

-:~:-

Just as Kaito wakes up and checks his phone for the time, he realizes something: it's been days, and Vector hasn't visited. Not once. He's not sure whether he's relieved or confused. He checks his texts, but there are none. No emails, no messages on any platform. His answering machine only has one message on it: it's Yuma's.

He frowns and forces himself to sit up, leaning back into the headboard and scrolling through his contacts.

_Ring… ring… ring…_

"_Hello?_"

"Yuma, you called?"

"_Kaito!_" Yuma's voice sounds excited, but he quickly corrects himself as he mutters somewhat angrily, "_You never called, I was worried._"

Kaito glances outside at the falling snow and tries to count the days since he left. Monday was… three days ago? Maybe?

"What day is it?" he asks.

"_Friday._"

"Oh." Nearly a week, then. Whoops.

"_Asshole…_" Yuma mumbles. "_How are things?_"

Kaito yawns. "I just got up and I'm about to go back to sleep." He can imagine Yuma making a face at him, in complete judgment of how Kaito could waste such a beautiful day. He remembers how Yuma used to burst into his room and jump on his bed and make noise until he got up, letting Haruto join in the ritual.

"_No way! Get out of bed and make yourself some yummy food! Or go out for a walk. It's always nice walking when it's snowing all soft like this!_" Yuma declares.

Kaito takes another look outside and could only imagine how cold it would be if he followed through. "I'll pass. How are you?" It's easier to pretend when Ryoga isn't around.

"_I'm okay! School's going well. I don't know what I'm gonna do when I graduate, but Kotori's helping me raise my grades whenever she can find time, so I might be able to get into Heartland with you and her!_"

"What other ones are you thinking about?"

"_Neo Domino. I know it's not much of a list, but I figured Kotori's doing her best to help me, so I'll do my best to get into those two. The rest seem… not my style, you know?_"

"What are you trying to get into?"

"_Both of them have archaeology streams in the Classics departments!_" Yuma says, and he's excited and bubbly again like the one he remembers. He was always the one who never worried about anything, but now he's always worrying about him.

Kaito feels sick.

"_Ryoga says that he'll go wherever I go. He says that his grades are good enough to get into wherever I end up. Hey, Kaito? What's your program again?_"

Physics. Well, astronomical physics. The thing with space. Galaxies. Places that aren't here, that are bigger than here, and remind Kaito that he really is as insignificant as he feels. He'll never affect anything.

"I switched programs," Kaito lies. "I'm in English now." He recalls the email, the meeting with his academic advisor, the letter in the mail. Academic probation. He jams the heel of his free hand into his eye, trying to stop the inevitable. "My professors thought I'd do better in it," he says, and almost laughs at how he's managing to keep his voice from cracking. "So I switched." To keep from utterly failing.

"_What about reaching the stars?_" Yuma asks, reminding him of a dream he'd long tried to forget.

"I'm not ready for them yet."

-:~:-

Sunday night finds Kaito staring at his wardrobe, wondering how he has the energy to go out at all. Alit said he'll pick him up outside the apartment complex around nine, but…

There's a knock at the door. Kaito checks his phone for the time. 8:53PM.

He sighs and opens the door. Alit's grinning at him. "Haven't figured out what to wear yet?" he asks, gesturing at Kaito's bare chest and laughing.

Kaito shakes his head and manages to smile too. "Nope."

"Here, I'll help you figure something out."

Alit barges in with another bark of laughter before heading straight into Kaito's room, going through his closet, and throwing a button-up at him along with a t-shirt. "There. Just roll up the sleeves so you're not a total scholar and let's go! Gilag and Kotori are waiting in the car."

"Kotori's coming tonight?"

"Yeah! Ahhh, she's so lovely, you know? I can't believe she agreed to come tonight. Vector should bring his girlfriend sometime. I wish he'd finally let us meet her."

Kaito shrugs, trying to shove the thought out of his head before it could take over, and locks the door behind them. He zones out once they reach the elevator. Alit hits the call button.

-:~:-

The bar is as dimly lit as ever. The customers are few, but it's a Sunday and Kaito's always wondered why they pick a Sunday of all days to go to a bar, especially when he and Mizael have Astronomy in the morning.

Mizael's already there with Vector at a table in the back, Mizael no doubt being his designated driver. He's frowning and Vector's grinning and Kaito feels his stomach drop. He hasn't seen the redhead in a week. He almost tricked himself into believing he'd never have to.

"Yo!" Alit says with a grin as he drags out a chair for Kotori to sit in. "Want anything, babe?"

"A rum and coke?"

"And you, Kaito?"

"Water."

"Coming right up!" Alit says before heading off to the bar.

Kaito and Gilag sit down too and Kotori smiles at him. It's strangely calming and reminds him of Yuma's smiles, the ones he always wore when he told him everything would be alright. Well, they were all childhood friends after all.

While the rest are already making noise and laughing, she touches the hand on his lap. "Yuma told you to come tonight, huh?"

"Alit did," she admits, "like he always does, but Yuma did manage to convince me for your sake. And hey, it sounded like a covert spy mission so why not?" She giggles and withdraws her hand. "You'll be okay with me around."

Kaito rolls his eyes, but it's mostly in jest and old habit. "Sure I will."

Alit's back with a pitcher of water and a rum and coke for Kotori and he slips into the chair on her other side. "Hey Kaito, did I ever thank you for introducing me to the most beautiful girl in the world, because I can't remember if I did…" he asks, slinging his arm around her shoulders.

Kotori laughs. "You dork." She flicks him on the nose. They're the closest thing their little group has to a normal, functioning relationship, Kaito thinks.

Half an hour later, Durbe finally shows up, much to the enthusiastic applause of everyone at their table, and sits down next to Mizael. With him, their table is full.

"So how was your visit back home last week? You missed out on some crazy stuff," Alit says, wrapping an arm around Kotori's shoulders.

Kaito shrugs. "Nothing special. Got to see my brother and some old friends."

"That reminds me," Kotori says, "how are Yuma and Shark?"

"As ridiculous as always," Kaito answers automatically, a smile curving onto his lips as he recalls their shenanigans over the weekend. "They're dating now, you know."

"Yeah I found out months ago when I was editing one of Yuma's essays. He kept texting in the middle of our video call and when I asked he said it was his boyfriend." Kotori laughs. "He thought I wouldn't be able to guess who, but I got it right on the first try!"

"Guess I'm the last person to find out," Kaito says.

"And Vector said you were a total loner," Alit says, shaking his head. "I knew you had to be some kind of awkward social butterfly if you knew a girl like this one," he adds, nudging Kotori who giggles.

"You're such a dork."

"I'm your dork."

Kaito decides that prolonged time around the two lovebirds will give him cavities.

"So what's up with Mizael? He's pissed at you lately," Alit says suddenly.

Kaito shrugs. "Been skipping Astronomy. He's probably mad because he can't steal my notes and has become responsible for mine."

Kotori gives him a look and maybe it's because it's her and not Droite that he honestly feels a little guilty. Alit, on the other hand, gives him a high five.

"About time our princess started doing his own work," Alit laughed.

"Whatever," Mizael says, tuning into their conversation. "I'm dragging Kaito to class myself tomorrow even if I have to put up with Vector's shit driving to make it happen."

"My driving isn't shit," Vector says, but everyone turns to give him a look. He grins. "Whatever, you all still call me up when you need a ride."

"It's because Durbe's always busy," Alit corrects. "And my car isn't always my car."

"It's a van, loser," Mizael says, flicking his blond hair over his shoulder and sniffing. "Your mom's van. We know."

Alit shrugs. "Beats not having a vehicle at all, Mizael," he says, mimicking the same condescending tone. "Right, Kotori?"

"Have to say I'm with Alit here," she agrees with a grin.

"She's your girlfriend, she doesn't get to vote!"

"We were voting on this?" Gilag asks, mock-confused. "I thought it was pretty clear that the ones with cars were on the winning side."

"They are, Mizael's just being dumb," Alit says, patting the big guy on the back.

Mizael just huffs. "Whatever. I drove Vector here, didn't I?"

"With his car," Gilag pipes up. "Because he wants to get drunk." Alit snorts.

"Ugh…"

Durbe pats him on the back "You'll get one some day."

"Yeah, if he stops spending his cash on clothes!" Alit laughs. "Let's be real here, he's not getting a car any time soon."

There's a round of laughter from the entire table minus Mizael, who's trying to be mad but has to admit Alit's somewhat… right, and Durbe who's trying to be encouraging.

There's alcohol in the air and Kaito can feel the usual headache that comes with it. There's a lull before they break into smaller groups again. Alit has pretty much monopolized Kotori's attention and Gilag's busy playing games on his phone. He can see Vector get up from across the table and he knows what's coming. He's used to this weird system, whispers of getting away, taking shots until he was numb, going somewhere private… It was a routine and it was just going to rinse and repeat.

Right before Vector's hand could clamp down on his shoulder, Kotori laughs loudly. "Oh my god that's hilarious! Kaito, you've got to hear this story, Alit tell him!" Her hand is resting where Vector's hand would've been and she's smiling, all teeth that make her eyes curve into crescents, and he's able to manage a smile back.

Vector's fingers flex, hovering over him before his hand goes back to his side. Kaito glances at him, all stiff and annoyed, before paying attention to a very animated Alit. Vector walks up to the bar.

Kaito breathes a sigh. He feels Kotori's hand slide down to touch his own, squeezing it before letting go and turning to Alit as well. He's going on about who knows what, but Kaito remembers to nod and smile through it, following Kotori's cues to laugh, happy to dodge the inevitable at least for one night.


	4. do you know the panic (I know)

It's 2:43AM that glares at him in bright red digits on his alarm clock when Kaito stumbles tiredly into his room that night. He sits down on his bed to collect himself for a moment before going to the bathroom to rinse his mouth (from the chicken parm he ended up getting around midnight and not the taste of Vector lingering in the cracks of his teeth). The heels of his palms press into his eyes when he washes his face, trying to rub away the ghost images of what didn't transpire. There aren't marks on his wrists, but he can feel them, and his back feels like it hit something hard when it was just leaning into the back of a chair all night.

He sighs and stares at himself in the mirror before pulling out his toothbrush. It didn't happen, he reminds himself, mentally thanking Kotori.

_It didn't happen._

When he enters his room again, he notices the suitcase still up against the wall from last week as he's changing into his pajamas. It's the one Haruto filled with Duel Monsters tins and pocky, the one Kaito still needs to unpack. He trudges across the room, over his pile of laundry that he should probably find the time to do, and unzips the upright suitcase, watching as everything tumbles out in a crash of metal and cardboard.

The tins are familiar, from Collector's Sets that he spent far too much money on. The Galaxy Eyes tin is the one he picks up, holding it in his hands like something fragile. The holo-design reflects at him with an orange glow courtesy of the streetlights filtering in through the blinds on his window. He always kept his deck in this one. The deck that he spent far too much time building. The one that was worth the same as half his monthly rent at the very least.

He rolls onto his feet and sets it carefully on his chest of drawers. His hands are shaking as he turns to look at the rest. He rips open a box of pocky, picking out a few and shoving them into his mouth and ignoring the minty taint of just-brushed teeth. He grabs another tin and dumps out the cards, watching them whisper over each other as they hit and fold over the carpet. Yuma gave him half of these cards, all extras from his Syllable deck. Gagaga, Gogogo, Achacha…

His hands slide over them, trying to fan them out but only succeeding in making a wider pile. There's a few Numbers cards, ones Yuma told him to keep safe, ones that ended up collecting dust in his room in these tins at the back of his closet under piles of clothes he didn't wear because he stopped going out.

He picks out another tin along with a few more sticks of pocky from the open box (it's the one with Shark Drake on the lid) and dumps its contents out too. Water attributes everywhere. He vaguely remembers Ryoga telling him "Happy Birthday, for when you realize that water decks are fucking badass."

Kaito wants to throw something. He throws the tin. It dents with a metallic smack against the corner of his desk and the impact sends papers flying. Syllabi of the classes he never goes to. His arms swipe at the cards and they flutter away from him onto the ground and over the pile of laundry and into the nooks of his closet. His hands clutch at his head and his eyes sting with salt.

It didn't happen, so why does he feel like something did?

-:~:-

Kaito wakes up with a headache and his neck hurts like crazy. There are footsteps behind his door that creaks open in a rush of wind he can feel on his face.

"Kaito we're- what the fuck happened here?" Mizael's voice. How he get in?

"What, is his room so unclean that the princess can't handle it?" Oh, Vector. That's how. More footsteps that echo and amplify Kaito's headache. There's hands on his shoulders and his eyes finally crack open.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he asks, but his voice is so hoarse that it hurts.

"We're here to drag you out to Astronomy, you thought I was joking about that?" Mizael asks. "Whatever, just get up. Did a hurricane storm your room last night?"

Kaito pushes himself up, waving Vector away because fuck him, he doesn't need his help, and groans. "Yes, a localized hurricane. No, I'm just a fucking slob, Mizael," he says, but his voice is still rough so he tries clearing his throat. It grates. His cheek is numb from being pressed into the weaved carpet for so long.

"Ugh, how uncouth. Whatever, just get up. We've got half an hour to get you ready and get to class on time."

Vector smirks at him and Kaito grimaces back. "I'll make you breakfast. Got any eggs?" Before Kaito can answer, Vector's already out the door and whistling.

Mizael, however, is rummaging through his closet. "God, you need better fashion sense. Your wardrobe is so…"

"Not yours?"

Mizael nods as he pulls out a couple shirts, but Kaito's quick to get up and take them from him. "No, it's fucking cold outside." His collection of faded hoodies suited him just fine.

"You've got a coat, don't you?"

"Well-"

"Shut up and brush your teeth, your breath is awful. I'm dressing you today."

Kaito resigns to his fate and trudges away. His friends are all insane. He brushes his teeth, feeling bits of pocky come loose. He wonders how many boxes Haruto packed. He splashes his face with water after lathering and stares at himself, noticing that most of the marks around his shoulders and neck are gone. When he comes back into the room, the cards are neatly stacked into piles on his desk and his bed is made with his outfit laying flat on the covers. Mizael's sitting on his bed holding a plate with an omelette on it for him. He's a miracle worker.

"So, what the fuck happened to you last night?" he asks, handing Kaito the plate as he joins him on the free space next to him on the bed.

Kaito fiddles with the fork for a moment. Mizael has always been in his classes. They've always relied on each other for notes and they book study rooms in the library before exams. He and Mizael have the closest thing Kaito's gotten to an actual friendship since Yuma and Ryoga.

"How much are you willing to hear?"

"I don't care, whatever you need to get off your chest."

"Is Vector still here?"

"He's our ride to Heartland, of course he's still here. He's watching TV."

"Oh."

"So, tell me what's up."

Kaito takes a breath, inhaling and exhaling carefully. "I don't know what I can tell you."

"Well try. Obviously it's weighing you down so what good can it really be doing all bottled up in there?" Mizael pokes Kaito's shoulder. "Now spill."

Kaito frowns. "Later. It's a long story, didn't you want to get to class?"

Mizael leans back onto his hands and sighs. "Sometimes people are more important than class, Kaito. But I'm here when you're ready to talk about it." He gets up and starts toward the door. "Eat and get changed, we're gonna leave soon."

Kaito's empty plate is on his desk and he's halfway into the buttons on the shirt Mizael picked out when Vector walks in.

"Hey Kaito. Looks like Mizael worked some magic on your disaster zone."

"Seems like it," Kaito says, though his entire being wants him to leave, to go far away, because Vector so close now that he can feel his breath on his neck, skimming the faded marks that were close to being invisible again. Kaito's shoulders hunch up.

"Mizael should be in charge of your clothes more often," Vector says, fingers playing with the collar, folding and unfolding it. "You look so-"

"We're gonna be late," Kaito interrupts. "Maybe you should start up the car so the engine gets warmed up. It's freezing."

Vector moves inches away and smirks. "Alright."

He leaves as quickly as he came and Kaito wonders how many times he'll have to dodge. He wishes Kotori was around.

-:~:-

Mizael stares at him more than he pays attention to the slides their professor is going through. Kaito ends up taking most of the notes in an effort to pretend that he can't see the same kind of concern that's on Droite's face on Mizael's instead. Vector is on Mizael's other side, leaning back into the lecture hall benches and smirking for who the hell knows why. Kaito shudders before looking back up at the slides and attempting to draw out a diagram. Mizael frowns in his peripheral vision and two seconds later Kaito's notebook and pen are sliding out of his hands and Mizael takes over. His neat cursive takes over the page and Kaito frowns as he realizes just how shaky his own writing looks.

"You look so fucking stressed," Mizael mutters as he takes a moment to clip the notebook into his clipboard before finishing off the shitty diagram. "You need a drink."

Kaito shrugs, uncurling himself from his hunched position and trying to relax. "Maybe." His voice croaks and Mizael scrunches his nose slightly.

"Maybe some tea." A beat, then, "I'm treating you to Starbucks when this is over."

Kaito has no complaints about that.

THe professor dismisses the class twenty minutes early since they are ahead of schedule and Mizael immediately pulls Kaito up. "What kind of tea do you like? Fruity? Caffeinated? Green? Oolong?"

Kaito shrugs. "Ones that taste good."

"Guess I'll be feeding you today too."

"That's usually my job," Vector says, but both blonds ignore him.

The trek to the on-campus Starbucks is a short one because it's close to the Sciences building. Vector says he'll tag along, but Mizael tries to brush him off by giving him his keys back saying, "Don't you have a lab or something due tomorrow?"

"I never do them anyway," Vector says with a shrug.

"They're worth like thirty percent of your fucking mark, asshole." Kaito has always wondered how curses roll so easily off Mizael's tongue, never sounding vulgar.

"Whatever, I'm-" Vector cuts off suddenly, eyes seeming to have caught something. Kaito glances over to the direction his head turns. A girl with grey hair and thick square hipster glasses is standing there.

"Who's she?" he asks before he can think about it.

Vector smirks and walks away, toward her. "Hey babe!" is the last thing Kaito hears him say and it makes his heart drop.

Mizael drags him over to the counter at the Starbucks, muttering "finally" under his breath before he orders for the both of them. Green tea for himself and spicy ginger for Kaito, though Kaito's hardly paying any attention to the transaction at all. Vector's smirking and twirling a piece of the girl's grey hair. He's never met her or seen her, he only ever knew she existed.

"That's Vector's girlfriend," Kaito says quietly as Mizael leads him over to the other counter to wait for their drinks.

Mizael shrugs. "Seems like it. None of us have actually met her." The barista sets down two cups and Mizael gestures for Kaito to take his as he picks up his own, careful not to spill any. He glances over at the two and nods. "You know, considering the only thing he's ever noted about her to us is that, and I quote, 'her tits are great,' I figure she fits the bill."

Kaito's brow furrows as he watches them. "Yeah," he says, but the word is hollow and he feels even worse than he did this morning. He sips at his tea when Mizael does and hopes that the coldness that has suddenly settled in his stomach might be cured by it.

"So, are you okay?" Mizael asks as he adjusts the scarf around his neck. "You seem even worse than this morning."

"Yeah, fine," Kaito says, but the words are heavy and take effort. He checks his phone, turns it off, and checks it again. He unlocks it and texts Kotori (_have you talked to Yuma lately?_) before pocketing it altogether. "I dunno, I guess I've just got a headache or something."

Mizael frowns. "If you say so." He slides the clipboard out from his bag and unclips Kaito's notebook. "Here, by the way. Photocopy them for me later?"

"Sure."

There's a lot of silence and a lot of Mizael regarding him under a strangely concerned (but also something else) gaze. Kaito keeps sipping his tea. Mizael's frown deepens.

"You're such a fucking liar," he says. Kaito looks up. "I know something is wrong and Vector isn't even here anymore so it's not like you need to worry about him. He definitely doesn't worry about you."

Kaito keeps quiet, eyes falling to the table and lips opening only to take another sip of tea.


	5. I want to hold you close

_First time I'm updating the ffnet one along with the copy on Ao3! How exciting :3_

_This chapter is something that I wrote when I was going through some really shitty stuff last weekend. I edited it on Friday because I felt a lot more up to the task and a lot better about what had happened. I won't go into much detail, but let's just say it really helped me with portraying Kaito's emotions and reactions in this chapter._

* * *

_I want to hold you close (I just never want to hold you tight)_

~:~:~

It's 11:43PM and Kaito's on the couch. He can still feel the sensations of Vector on top of him and he doesn't want to think about it. Doesn't want to think about the way he kissed him or the way his breath made his skin prickle or the way his eyes always flickered with a hidden laugh. He checks his phone and frowns before keying in the password and dialling in a number.

_Ring… ring… ring…_

"_Hello?_"

It's Alit even though he had tried to call Kotori and he wonders how the hell he made that kind of mistake considering their names aren't even next to each other alphabetically (but Kaito only has ten contacts and it's not really that much of a stretch).

At first he doesn't say anything, staring at the ceiling instead and wondering how his life got this complicated. Alit's still on the line if the lack of tone says anything.

"Hey," he finally says, but his voice cracks, hoarse.

"_Kaito, that you? Or is my caller ID lying to me?_"

Kaito pauses. "It's me. Yeah…"

He's panicking through the entirety of whatever Alit says next, something about how it's a surprise to hear from him maybe? A name appears in his head through the mess that is his thoughts and it's what he interrupts with:

"Mizael. Alit, I need to ask you a favour. Can you drive me to Mizael's?"

"_Uh, sure? Lemme just get the keys. I'll tell my mum it's an emergency._"

"Thanks."

He hangs up before any other words can be exchanged and tries to breathe again. He feels his throat constrict and his chest tighten. He rolls off the couch and manages not to thud against the floor and looks down at himself in sweatpants and a ragged Heartland U tee and wonders whether it'd be rude to show up at Mizael's in such uncouth attire, but decides he doesn't really care and runs a hand through his hair in an attempt to shape it into something that isn't a pile of blonde on top of his head.

A minute of pacing later and his phone is vibrating in his hand and soon it's blasting his obnoxious generic ringtone that's too happy and the screen reads _dokidoki_ and his heart stops. The urge to throw his cell across the room is only quelled by the fact that he has to answer it. It's 12:07AM and it's not the time for this and he's not ready for this, but maybe he needs it because Yuma's always been there when he needs it and-

"Hello?"

"_Kaito! Oh god, I thought you were never gonna answer. Or that maybe you were asleep or something. Wait, did I wake you? I'm so sorry if I did, but this is. Well, important. Can you talk?_"

Kaito drops to the floor, needing to sit down. His knees hit the carpet and he crumples over onto his side and he tries to breathe again. "Yeah, what do you need?"

"_I just… well. Are you okay? I don't want to load this on you if you aren't._" There's that concerned tone that has never fit his voice, doesn't belong there but is.

"I'm okay," Kaito lies between his attempts at silent deep breathing. "What do you need?"

"_Okay. Well, I was just… uh. I. Shit, this is so…_" Yuma trails off a couple more times in stilted phrases and the false starts of thoughts that Kaito can barely begin to decipher.

"_I miss you._"

No. Not that. Not now, not ever, no no no no-

"_Shark is okay. He's more than okay and I really like him, but you're… He's not you._"

Kaito feels something shatter.

"_I mean, he's wonderful and he treats me really nice and stuff and he's always doing stuff for me and he's a great, wonderful, amazing person and friend, and I know we call ourselves more, but I can't do this and I miss you so much and I don't know what to do without you around._"

Kaito closes his eyes and tries to shut out everything his heart is screaming at him to do. He can't reach out, he can't go back, it can't be how it was because too much has changed and-

"_I'm sorry, Kaito. I tried really hard to forget about you and my feelings for you. I tried so hard, but they wouldn't go away. Shark isn't you, and I need you._"

Kaito wants to say something, but he doesn't trust himself. Not now, not ever. Not with Yuma.

Instead he rolls over onto his back and jams the heel of his palm into his temple, trying to soothe the oncoming headache, and says:

"I'm sorry I fucked you up."

Kaito can feel footsteps and soon the turn of a key in the lock of his door and tries to sit up, tries to arrange himself in something that resembles dignity, tries to say something more because Yuma's fallen silent.

"_Kaito-_"

The door opens and he hangs up.

Alit blinks at him, hand still on the key inside the handle. "Yo, you ready?" he asks after a pregnant pause in which Kaito's still trying not to break anything else.

The phone is still to his ear and his hand drops to his side once he notices it. "Yeah. I'm ready. Lemme just get my shoes on."

It's a slow process, getting his shoes laced up, because his phone rings again. Kaito ignores it, tries to avoid eye-contact with the screen that's flashing impatiently at him.

"You gonna get that?"

"No," Kaito says, wishing that Alit doesn't look at the screen, doesn't see the name, doesn't ask after it. "Okay, let's go."

The exit the door and manage to make it to the elevator before his phone starts ringing incessantly again and Kaito clenches it tighter in his hand and his shoulders tense and Alit's saying something about the phone, something about "Don't you need a jacket? It's pretty cold." Kaito shakes his head and Alit shrugs.

They're in his mum's van and Kaito is shivering in the passenger seat waiting for the engine to heat up so the heating can finally work as it's supposed to when his phone buzzes and rings again.

"I know it's none of my business, but are you sure you're not gonna answer that? What if it's important?"

Kaito shudders and shakes his head. "I'm sure," he says, taking his phone out of his pocket and staring at the name, dokidoki.

"Positive?"

"Positive."

"Alright then. So, what kind of emergency is this trip to Mizael's? Did he invite you over for midnight fashion advice or…?"

Kaito doesn't say anything. Alit doesn't say anything more and turns up the radio.

When they roll into the driveway, Kaito's shaking and can barely open the door. He falls out of the van, nearly slips on the ice that's covering the way up to the porch, almost falls but Alit catches him and he's shivering like crazy.

Kaito's only been to Mizael's house once before, and it's in the suburbs with a two-car garage and a chandelier in the foyer and bright lights that they don't forget to replace when they go out and an expensive car in the driveway that Mizael isn't allowed to touch. But he doesn't see anything other than the tiles on the floor when Mizael answers the door and pulls them inside because "Kaito, it's cold and it's late. What are you guys doing here? Is everything okay?" in one very concerned, slightly panicked breath.

Kaito has barely begun to toe off his shoes (that he remembers a few moments later are lace-up and he has to make the effort to kneel down and untie them) when Mizael is already telling Alit to hush because his grandfather is asleep and thank god he happened to see them on his way upstairs before the doorbell rang. After he chews Alit out, he turns on Kaito and kneels down beside him, knuckles against his forehead.

"Are you sick? You look like you have a fever, I can't believe you're out in that ridiculous weather when it's snowing like this, you're fucking insane. Do you need anything? Tea, hot chocolate? I'm not giving you coffee so don't even say it," he says in a rush before pulling Kaito into him. He collapses. "Did anything happen?"

Kaito utterly fails at taking off his shoes because his hands are shaking so badly, and Mizael tells him that it's fine and he doesn't need to take them off and he has to vacuum tomorrow anyway.

"Alit, get him up to my room. We can talk there without my grandfather waking up," Mizael instructs, and Alit salutes him because he's Alit, that's what he does, and Kaito feels himself be lifted up.

"Can you walk?" Alit asks, and it's wird because Kaito knows he can, but he doesn't want to. Moving is too much effort, thinking is too much effort, doing anything anymore is too much effort and everything's pointless anyway so why bother.

He says so.

Mizael grimaces at him. "Alit, you know where the kettle is. Get it boiling, I'm going to deal with this lump."

When Alit's gone, Mizael forcibly pulls him up. Kaito never realized just how strong he is and is a little thrown at how easily Mizael carries him up the stairs.

"You need to know something very important, Kaito," Mizael says, and it's an annoyed, concerned hiss, "you're a fucking idiot."

Next thing Kaito knows is he's laying on a bed. It's comfy and not his own and the sheets are a bright yellow colour that blinds him.

"Your body is stressed out, I'm surprised you haven't gotten a fever from it," Mizael says, the back of his hand against his forehead. He pushes Kaito to roll over and his hands knead over his back for a moment. "Your back has so many knots it's actually a small fucking miracle you can actually move. God, Kaito. What the hell is happening to you?"

Kaito says something, but it's unintelligible even to himself because he's talking into the comforter.

"Idiot."

Kaito's too tired, too done, to respond.

Alit walks in with a mug of steaming tea just as Mizael is standing on the bed and shoves his foot into Kaito's back. "Uhm, are we torturing him or comforting him?"

"Getting his back to act like it should, actually," Mizael corrects, but he hops off the bed and shrugs. "I can't believe you're here at this ridiculous hour because Kaito wanted to see me."

Kaito mumbles something again. No one understands. Alit and Mizael ignore him.

"Well, he kinda-"

Kaito's phone starts ringing. He rolls over, pulling the phone from his pocket, and nearly falls off the twin bed. He stares at the ringing abomination.

"And, uh. The thing has rang like… this is the fourth time he hasn't answered it? Probably? I think they've all been the same caller," Alit supplies in response to Mizael's confused look.

"Ugh. I understand wanting to avoid something, but you're a fucking prick. If he calls again, you're answering it," Mizael orders, turning back to the blonde lump on his bed. Kaito moans. "I take that as affirmative?" A noise. "If you don't, I'll answer it for you."

The sheer panic that crosses Kaito's features for a singular moment before disappearing into indifference gives Mizael all he really needs to know.

"So, Vector."

"Vector," Kaito repeats hollowly, staring at the ceiling.

"What has he done to you?"

"Wait, how do you know it's Vector?" Alit asks, but Mizael just gives him a look.

"He's fucked with you and Gilag before. What makes you think he'd be so kind to Kaito?"

Alit's brow furrows. "I don't-"

"Alit, come on. Don't lie. You don't need to lie around Kaito."

Kaito's phone goes off, but it's just the text tone and he holds up the phone to check it. ((_Yeah I have, did you need anything?_ - Kotori))

"Who's it from?" Mizael ventures.

Kaito drops the phone against his chest. "Kotori."

Alit lights up. "Oh! Say hi to her for me, would you-" Mizael smacks him in the shoulder.

"Focus, moron."

Alits stands at attention. "Yes, sir."

Mizael rolls his eyes. Kaito rolls off the bed. The thump resounds through the room. Kaito groans. "That wasn't very intelligent," Mizael tells him. Kaito groans again. "Don't complain, it's your own fault." Groan. "God, Kaito, stand the fuck up."

Kaito obliges if only because Mizael's patience seems to be wearing very thin. It takes too much effort, but he manages it. And then his phone rings.

The look Mizael pins him with is enough for Kaito to stand on the defensive, shoulders rolling back and brow furrowing.

"Answer it," Mizael instructs. Kaito stares at the phone. _Dokidoki_.

Well, if anything, that's exactly what his heart is doing. Kaito slides his thumb over the screen and slowly holds it up to his ear.

"_Hello?_" Yuma's voice sounds tentative and so unsure, and even though only one word has passed between them, Kaito has already heard it crack. No. Not Yuma. Never Yuma.

"Yuma, are you okay?" Kaito asks, concern all over his voice. He feels Mizael's gaze boring into him and turns away enough so that he can only see him in the edges of his peripheral vision.

"_Not really…_" He sniffles. Kaito breaks. "_You never fucked me up, Kaito,_" Yuma continues, but the curse sounds wrong coming from him. "_You never hurt me, okay? Don't blame yourself._"

Kaito doesn't really know what to say, but Mizael is still staring him down with his arms folded looking as haughty and helpful as ever and Alit's doing his best to busy himself with the stuff Mizael has around his room. Kaito takes a breath. "Look, Yuma," he says, and it comes out a little breathless because his heart keeps skipping because he keeps panicking. "I miss you too. I don't fucking know what I'm doing either. But you don't, no, you shouldn't want me anymore. Not when you have Ryoga."

Alit's whispering something to Mizael, but all Kaito can hear is Yuma's uneven breathing on the line, hyper-focused on the cut of his breath when he tries to talk about. "_Decisions from the heart don't work like that, Kaito._"

Kaito tries to breathe. At some point Mizael must have crossed the length of the room because his hands are forcing Kaito to sit down and Alit's handing him the mug of tea and Kaito's trying so hard to breathe and calm down and-

"They should," he says. He wants to hang up, to stop the pressure in his chest. "I know they don't, but things would be easier that way."

He hangs up and Mizael is already sitting at his side, questions on his lips that Kaito doesn't quite hear because he's still trying to process what happened, why everything is piling onto him in a crushing pile of emotion in a singular period of twenty-four hours.

Finally Alit asks, "So, who's Yuma?" and Kaito wants to laugh because Kotori probably talks about him all the time so he knows perfectly well who Yuma is, but he knows what Alit really means: who is Yuma to _you_, Kaito?

And maybe that's where this entire story begins, Kaito thinks, because it sure as hell didn't start with Vector this afternoon.


	6. this love (will be your downfall)

_this chapter was the bane of my existence I fucking swear it would just not come out naturally. Hope you guys enjoy it!_

_also massive props to mari for dealing with me during the writing process of this chapter._

* * *

"He's my friend," Kaito says. "My… ex."

-:~:-

Alit goes home after being assured by Mizael a billion times that Kaito is okay and doesn't need to be smothered in hugs (though Kaito ends up getting a giant, partially crushing, mostly warm goodbye hug that hurts his ribs anyway). When he's finally out the door, Kaito can hear Mizael's quiet footsteps making their way back up and next thing he knows, Mizael is dragging Kaito to the guest room and throwing a set of spare pajamas at him.

"Go the fuck to sleep," Mizael mutters before closing the door and leaving Kaito alone in the dark room. Light filters through the translucent curtains over the window, enough for Kaito to make out the silhouette of the bed he would be sleeping on.

It's only because flannel pajama pants had landed on his head that Kaito actually considers putting them on. He remembers the last time he wore the sweatpants somehow still hanging on to his waist, and the way that Vector slid his hand under the waistband, and shudders. It's enough for him to shed his clothes entirely and change into what Mizael had so unceremoniously thrown at him. They smell like him, of the green tea he liked so much from Starbucks.

Moments later, as Kaito's finally beginning to sprawl himself out under the covers, there's a quiet knock on the door and it opens.

"Your phone, can you unlock it?" Mizael asks after shutting the door behind him. The light of his lock-screen makes his skin look paler than ever. Kaito takes the proffered phone and keys in the PIN. "I thought you'd use a pattern."

"Numbers are easier."

"Constellations are easier," Mizael replies, hand outstretched to receive the phone again, but Kaito's holding on to it.

"What did you want to do?"

"Call your parents."

"My dad?"

"Maybe not him."

"Call Droite." Kaito suggests. "What were you going to say? That I'm a wreck, a mess?"

"I was going to ask if you can cancel your apartment contract. You're going to be staying with me for a while. As long as you need to."

Kaito blinks away the confusion that flashed through his eyes. "What."

"Does Droite have the authority to do that?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Okay," Mizael says, snatching the phone from Kaito and searching through his contacts. The screen reflects in his blue eyes and Kaito can almost make out the lack of scroll because he only has ten people on there.

"But why?"

Mizael shrugs. "You shouldn't be alone. No one should be this alone."

Kaito wants to protest, to say that he isn't, that Vector is probably going to come over tomorrow with those stupid bento boxes and watch TV with him and he'll go to class maybe and he's okay, he's not alone.

But he is, and he doesn't want Vector to come over anymore, and he doesn't want to go to class, and he wants to be alone, secluded, away from others because all they do is hurt him and use him and hurt him more and-

"Hello," Mizael says into the receiver, eyes strangely focused on Kaito's. "I know it's late and I'm sorry, it sounds like I've woken you up… I'm Kaito's friend, Mizael. I was wondering if you could cancel the rent contract on Kaito's apartment. Yes... No, I'm perfectly serious. He's staying with me right now, I hope that's alright? He won't have to pay rent here. He's alright. Change of scenery is all, really… Yeah. Okay, thank you. Again, sorry for waking you. Goodnight."

He ends the call, passes the phone back to Kaito, and turns to leave. "We'll go back to your apartment tomorrow and pick up your stuff. I'll wake you up and see if Alit can lend us the van."

-:~:-

Kaito wakes up on his own and there is no clock to check the time on. Nothing is glaring at him in bright red LED or judging him as he pushes himself up onto his elbows to check through to curtains. Dawn, maybe. Dark enough to be, but light enough too. Dawn.

A new day already.

He lets himself fall back into the bed and ends up staring at the ceiling. There aren't any stars. No constellations… There are in Mizael's room. He vaguely remembers seeing a fragment of Ursa Major when he fell off the bed and caught a glimpse of the ceiling. He hears shuffling outside his door, but his bones feel too heavy from exhaustion to carry out any form of curiosity other than imagination. It could be Mizael's guardian...

Kaito feels his phone poking into him somewhere hidden in the sheets and digs it up, lighting up the screen and checking the messages. Two voicemails and three texts. Missed calls: Kotori Mizuki and Yuma Tsukumo.

One of the texts is from Droite asking if it's really alright to cancel the contract on his apartment. The other two are from Alit:

_hey so, I know you're upset and you probably don't want to go out, but me and Kotori are going out for a movie tomorrow night. well, tonight since we're past midnight haha._

_you and Miza can come if you want. cheap night, plus we get the student discount! hell yeah_

All three were from hours ago… Kaito texts Alit back: _I'll ask Mizael when he wakes up_

He doesn't want to check the voicemails.

An hour goes by, or Kaito thinks it's maybe been an hour because he forgot to check the time on his phone and he kind of threw it onto the floor and he's too lazy, too tired, to pick it back up. The bed is too warm and the room is too cold. Every so often he hears more shuffling.

And then his door creaks open, revealing Mizael himself.

"Oh, you're awake," he says.

"Yeah."

"Couldn't sleep?"

"No, just got up a little while ago."

"Sorry, I was probably making noise. Are you a light sleeper?"

"No, just… not used to living with others." _Anymore_.

"I just got up a little while ago too. Did you want to have breakfast?"

Kaito tries to remember when he last ate. He can't. "Yeah."

"I'll make some. I'll call you down when it's ready."

The door shuts behind him and Kaito flops back down into his pillow. Breakfast… he hadn't really eaten a proper one in weeks. He always slept past it or skipped it. Yesterday he had one. Kind of. Vector had made it.

His shoulders hunch up, bringing the quilt with them and he clutches it over him. Vector… He wonders if he'll visit today and be disappointed, wonder where he is, call him… Scenarios flash through his mind, all hopeful and all false, and soon Mizael's back in the room shutting the door behind him and carrying two plates with toast and jam and eggs.

"I hope you like strawberry jam," he says. "We ran out of blueberry over the weekend and we've yet to go grocery shopping."

"I thought you were going to call me down?"

"Whatever, I figured you might not want to get out of bed. Heating's always been faulty in this room."

So that's why he's wearing a baggy sweater.

"We've got cereal too, if you're ever in a rush and need something that takes two seconds, but I'm usually up early and can make you stuff if you want. What do you like?" Mizael asks, and Kaito realizes he still hasn't touched his plate. He takes a tentative bite out of the toast. "I can make pancakes and we have waffles in the freezer. Though those aren't good unless we've got maple syrup, the real kind, or a ton of ice cream and whipped cream. And chocolate sauce."

"Anything is fine."

"Sure?"

"Yeah. I normally… skip breakfast."

"Well, that's gonna change."

A few moments pass before Kaito remembers his texts. "Alit wanted to know if we want to go see a movie with him and Kotori tonight."

"Nah, being around them for too long makes me sick. We'll be with them pretty much all afternoon."

"Too cute?"

"Too cute. Plus we've got a lab for astronomy due tomorrow. Have you done any of the assignments?"

"No. Well, two. At the start of the year."

Mizael glares at him. "We're gonna talk to our TA about that. You have legitimate issues and he should be able to recognize them as worthy of extensions."

"If you say so. Even if I try, I'll just flunk the class anyway."

"Chris'll give you an extension. Trust me, you won't flunk."

Kaito shrugs.

"I called Alit. He's gonna pick us up at noon. You don't have any classes today, right?"

"None."

"Good, me neither. Kotori's coming too."

"Kotori called me last night. Left a voicemail."

"Have you checked it?"

"Not yet."

"You should. She'll probably ask you about it later. Or bring up whatever it was around Alit." Kaito grimaces. Mizael nods. "Yeah, you should check it."

Kaito bends over to grab his phone off the floor and sighs. "Fine."

"Put it on speakerphone."

"Whatever."

It rings and it prompts Kaito to press a bunch of numbers and finally Kotori's voice is drifting from the speaker. "_Hey Kaito, it's Kotori. I heard about Yuma's call. No details because Alit's not sure what happened, but are you okay? If you need to talk just call me. And if it's about how he's not happy with, well… just, call me, okay?_"

The tone sounds and Kaito switches his phone off. Mizael looks up at him. Kaito pointedly avoids his gaze. "You should call her."

"No."

"Why not?"

"I just…"

"Kaito, call her."

"Why should I?"

"Because Yuma isn't happy and you know why and it matters. Aren't you guys supposed to be friends?"

"That doesn't mean anything."

"Yes it does, you owe her an explanation."

_Owe her._ "What," Kaito bites out. "I don't-" _You owe me for that, Kaito._ "No, no I don't."

Mizael looks at him in concern, his plate finished and put aside. "Kaito, why don't you want her to know what happened? She's not going to hurt you. It's Kotori, not Vector."

_Vector_.

"What did Vector do to Alit and Gilag?"

Mizael sighs. "You'll have to ask them, I'm not exactly authorized to tell because what I know is mostly hearsay. But I know it was generally not something either are proud of and prefer to keep under wraps, if last night is any indication of how much they deny anything happened at all. But in any case, call Kotori. After breakfast, any time before noon. You don't want Alit to know your business, do you?"

"Do you think he'd tell me his story if he knew mine?"

"Maybe."

"Then I'm not calling her."


End file.
